Where Should I Live?

Sarah raised some interesting questions in a previous comment. I began to respond but it was getting way too long, so I will respond in this post. Here was Sarah’s comment (this is in regards to the Relative Choice article, I Am Not a Bridge).

One thing that the author mentions APs can do – one thing that I’ve read many, many times as a suggestion by adult adoptees – is to raise transethnically adopted children in diverse areas where they will have every day interactions with people of their own race. I’ve seen this mentioned SO many times on blogs and in books, and yet so many PAPs balk at the suggestion or play it off as unnecessary. What do you think?

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I want to start off by showing you my neighborhood (according to City Data):

Chinese (41.2%)
Hispanic (28.9%)
Other race (12.4%)
Japanese (7.4%)
White Non-Hispanic (7.3%)
Vietnamese (5.2%)
Other Asian (4.9%)
Two or more races (3.4%)
Filipino (1.5%)
Korean (1.4%)
American Indian (1.0%)

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I actually had this post in my head for a few months now; I just haven’t written it down (and since I was asked, well – here you go). First, some reading, then we can get into why it is important to live in a culturally diverse neighborhood.

Drive-by Culture

11 Tips for White Parents with Adopted Children of Color

10 Do’s and Don’ts for Transracially Adoptive Parents

Corny and Crass

Race and Humility

Childhood

Culture and Identity

Force Feeding Culture

Just a side, when I reference diversity, I do mostly talk about either Asian-Americans and Latinos in the area, or just Asian-Americans because that is the makeup of my family – that is what I look for.

It is incredibly easy for me to say, “of course you should live in a culturally diverse area” because I agree, and look at where I currently live. Of course *I* can say, “You – go live in a diverse area because it’s what is best for your child.” Do I believe you should – Hell Yes I Do. But I also don’t believe that just living in a diverse area will cut it.

I grew up moving around a lot. My father, Caucasian, was in the ARMY. My mom is Chinese, who was born and raised in Vietnam. We moved every 3 to 4 years or so. I have lived in neighborhoods where I was one of 3 or so Asians in the school. I have lived in neighborhoods that had more but still not many Asians, but were close to cities that were more diverse. After my father retired, when I was 15 years old, they decided to move and live in the area that I live in now – and I am beyond grateful that they did specifically because of the opportunities it afforded me to connect with my people and experience my culture and explore my identity as an Asian-American like I wasn’t able to before.

When I lived in the area that only had about 3 Asians in my junior high I met a friend that I still have today. She’s biracial, like me. Her mother is Korean and her father Caucasian. She is a wonderful person, but when I was 13 years old I have to admit that one of the things that drew me to her and has kept us friends for over a decade when I have lost touch with ALL of my other friends was that connection. We both understand how the other feels when it comes to racial issues. She was the only person that I could trust to run to 4 months ago when I was dealing with identity issues and decided to not be white anymore. More than anyone else I know, she understands where I’m coming from. I need that connection, that connection to people who understand and understand me.

So I do understand the need for an adoptee to connect with other Asian-Americans in their everyday world. I have had a luxury and a privilege growing up that an adoptee adopted by non-Asian parents do not have. I have a Chinese mother. A mother who, simply because she is Asian, was able to provide to me Asian adult mentors and Asian peers, and exposure and participation with Asian communities. It must be harder for a non-Asian parent to reach out and participate in the Asian community, but if we make this choice to adopt an Asian child, shouldn’t we strive to do this very thing?

So yes. I do think it is important to live in a diverse area. An area where you and your child can make connections. However, there is more to it than that. You have to make that connection yourself. Even though it was easier for my Chinese mom to provide me with Asian adult mentors and participation in Asian communities, you and I have to push for that. It won’t be easy, but the connection can not come from the child; it should come from the parent. Living in a diverse area will help, but not solve it if a parent is unwilling to do the work to connect to an Asian-American community. Theoretically, a family could live in an area that is not as diverse, however, I believe the work would be that much harder to reach out to a community that you don’t live in to involve yourself and your child – to give your child Asian-American mentors and Asian-American peers. It is a challenge either way. I do know that it is one thing to live in a city and commute to areas with a larger Asian American community as opposed to living in that community. I feel the difference, living where I do. Because I have lived in these different places, this is something I know that I want to give to my children.

My husband and I want to move. We have certain things that we require of an area before we would move there.

• One of my personal top criteria is that this city has to be within driving distance of someone in my family. I absolutely refuse to live too far from my family. This limits us to where we live now, Florida, and New England.
• We also want good schools. This is one of the reasons we want to leave where we are now. For better schools.
• We want a nice suburban neighborhood with affordable housing (the decent family homes in our neighborhood cost almost 1 million, and while my husband and I both have good jobs – well, our jobs don’t afford us million dollar homes).
• My husband needs to find a good job in the area.
• There has to be a large enough Latino and Asian community.

We found an area that matches all but one of of what we require. It is very close to where my family lives. Really nice neighborhood with nice family homes that we can afford. Really good schools. My husband is very sure he could find a good job near the area. But these are the demographics:

White Non-Hispanic (94.3%)
Hispanic (1.6%)
Two or more races (1.3%)
Black (1.2%)
American Indian (0.7%)
Other race (0.6%)

I can’t do it. It is too important to me that my children live in a more diverse area. We will move, but not there, and I have hope that we will find a place that matches ALL of what we need in a community. I need my children to be in classrooms with other Asian-American and Latino children. I need to give my children Asian-American and Latino adult mentors. I need to give my children my involvement in a community that represents them. I know this because of my experience and through reading the experience of adult adoptees who have lived it themselves.

My favorite part of the blog post, I Am Not a Bridge, was this:

“Perhaps the role of the adoptive parent could be viewed, not so much as a bridge, but as a builder of bridges, connecting their children to themselves and their ethnicities. As parents, the ability to find and develop the tools is in their hands, not in the hands of their children.”