“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.”
Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou has said and written many inspiring things, but the quote above is by far my personal favorite.
I would love to see all of, or at the very least, most of the PAPs and APs grabbing hold of their power. There are a handful that I see do this and I can only imagine the impact if those numbers kept going up. I would love to see PAPs and APs do this because they feel it’s important.
I’ve had parts here and there of this post in my head for a month or two now, and since I am surrounded by women who are inspiring (see just two examples: here, and here) I decided to finally sit down and write it.
Let’s talk obligation. Adoption is not pregnancy. I’m sorry, it’s not. Pregnancy is a beautiful journey, with a set of obligations. Adoption has its own beautiful journey, with its own set of obligations. It is not the same, or better, or worse – it is different. Each has their own beauties, neither the same.
The obligations begin when choosing to adopt. It is about more than my need to grow my family. It has to become about the needs of my future child. There is more to it than just wanting a girl, or a boy, or a baby. I suffered with my pph/hysterectomy, but my child is not my cure and has no responsibilities for being so. My suffering does not give me a right to a child, any child, that is not birthed by me. Because that isn’t a possibility, I have no right to any child other than Chloe. Nobody owes me anything. We are going through this process because we have love to give and have a want to grow our family. If and when I have a child through adoption, that will be a blessing – not my right. I may feel powerless at times, especially when feeling overwhelmed by the entire world of adoption, but I know that I hold a lot of power and because of that a lot of responsibility. I have the power to choose an agency. I have the power to discuss and speak out. I have the power of money. Our money gives power. It is crass, but it is true. Where we decide to place our money matters a great deal.
Why is this important? Because our “rights” and our demands can break the system. Our demands can become the cause of corruption, and it has – this isn’t something that has never happened before. Our decisions have an effect. One person demanding a young baby girl will not become the cause of corruption. Now tack on the overwhelming amount of families adopting from Vietnam, taxing the system because there aren’t enough baby girls. One does not matter – until you take into account the mass of families demanding the same. It isn’t about me wanting to feel superior; it is about me caring about the state of Vietnam adoptions.
The obligations don’t end when we bring our children home. It continues, throughout their life, and includes some of the decisions that we make today. One day our children will be adult adoptees. I’ve been thinking about this more and more. For example, did you know that the ultrasound photo with the country of origin in the ultrasound can be considered offensive? It suggests that biological is preferred over adoption. It places adoption second. Why is this important? Because one day my child will be an adult adoptee. I have to consider this. I have an obligation to my child to begin an understanding of the issues an adult adoptee may face. Both good and bad experiences have to be taken into account. There are so many things we can learn from the voices of adult adoptees.
Back to power. Why and how do we have so much of this power? Because our children don’t. Right now, as babies and young people, they don’t have power. They don’t have the power to choose not to be adopted. They don’t have the power to choose an agency that wouldn’t participate in baby trafficking. They don’t have the power to choose a family that is willing to be well versed in issues they have to face growing up as a Vietnamese adoptee and Asian American growing up in the US. We hold those powers, that obligation to our children to make the right decisions.
